It felt so natural walking into his house. Laying down beside him. Waiting for him to get off the phone. My head on his shoulder while the sent a text message that was important. It felt like it happened all the time. It felt normal. Walking through his house looking at the pictures of him and your family, it felt like it happens all the time. Laughing at him when he was playing with the dogs. Talking to him while he was cleaing out the front seat of his car, and in the car, we held conversation, face to face, like normal people. We had that cute moment before he got his nicotein fix where he said "You wont be kissing me anymore today" and I asked for one more kiss and I got it. short and sweet, like it happens all the time.

I'm not sure what love is supposed to feel like. I mean who really knows? But since the day he wrote his number on my hand after my ex and I broke up.  Even when we were fighting I knew it would be okay and we'd still be friends. I always hoped that we'd eventually be more, he said we'd try when you got back. But that didnt happen, there were distractions -like an ex-girlfriend he still had feelings for, but she just ended up cheating on him, again. For 3 years i've been holding out for him. My best friends told me to move on, they told me he wasn't worth it. He told me he wasn't worth it. But I didn't want anyone else. I still dont want anyone else. Every relationship I've tried to have has failed because all I can think about when I'm with someone else is that I wish it was him. If he even began to ask me to be his, I'd answer before he finished the sentance. He means the world to me. He is my everything. That day at his house proved, to me, that I am supposed to be with him. Being around him, talking to him, just relaxing and being myself with him feels so natural and right. I know he is supposed to be part of my life. I dont know what part. But I hope that it is a forever part.

is that crazy?

Monday morning everything was normal. I felt fine. I felt great actually! Well, until I got to school everything was fine. Then my side started hurting. It started as a small dull pain, slowly growing like a balloon being blown up inside my abdomen, dominantly the right side, the pain growing and growing getting more and more painful.

A trip to the nurse, she said it was gas. She said I was fine. Back to class to class I went still reeling in pain. It hurt to walk. Much to my dismay, upon my return to class I received a pass to the counselor. Super! I limped back down the halls to the counselor to change my classes, only to be escorted back to the nurse.

She called my dad. He called my doctor. They said to admit me to the Emergency room. He came and got me. Not even 2 blocks away from school he had to pull over so I could puke. It hurt that bad.

Rush to the hospital, only to wait 3 hours to get a room. We waited thirty minutes to get a bed in the room, and another hour for a doctor to come.
First Diagnosis: Appendicitis
The doctor ordered a CT scan to confirm the diagnosis. He was wrong.
Second Diagnosis: 6cm cyst on the right ovary.
The doctor ordered an ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. He was right. He called the hospitals GYN and had him look at everything. Surgery was to be in the morning if the pain was bearable enough. He gave me Demerol for pain. I was immediately asleep for the night.

Tuesday afternoon I went into surgery. The cyst was a lot bigger than they thought. It was about 8cm and it had twisted my ovary and was pushing against a lot of nerves. They had to remove my right ovary completely.

I feel like i'm at an anonomys meeting. "Hi I'm Abby. I'm 17. I have one ovary"

Now I’m having a lot of time to think and new things to think about...

The last few years of my life I've dreamt of being a Teacher and a Mother. The first of those dreams can be achieved by College and a good education. The second COULD have been achieved by falling madly in love with perfect guy (insert fairytale here)....and...

BANG...

out comes Baby.

BUT now I'm in the position where it will have to be perfectly planned for me to have a baby. There is no 'oh we'll try again next month' its: oh we'll try again in 2 months. Getting pregnant when you want to is hard enough, now its twice as hard for me. I know I’m not the only one. I know I’m not alone. But I’m scared.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm just being silly.

But I'm sad, sad that I'm missing pieces. No, it’s not something you can see. But I will have to tell any person I have a serious relationship with and/or consider having children with. Because it will be harder to conceive that much wanted child.

Is it wrong for me to be sad that it’s going to be hard?

...I feel like a million potential children died on Tuesday. =\